Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex