Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

me: i want to save this document

computer: great, just click save

me: ok i want to save it as something else

computer: easy, save as

me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf

computer: print

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”