Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
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1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS