Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

Does your wife know you’re single?

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

Can confirm.