Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter