#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
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Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
5 ways to appear taller
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Am I having a stroke?
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you