#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.