Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself