Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.