Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

“Does this look infected?”

*points to the entire world*

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment