Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
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I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast