Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
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[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
that would 100% work on me
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future