Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
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“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance