Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Just a bush.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”