Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
You Might Also Like
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
applying for a new job
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I am HOWLING at this
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
👽
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.