If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
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waiting for halloween be like:
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
cat faces on other animals, a thread
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.