Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

That’s what I call a flat tire

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

Only you can prevent podcasts

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.