Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

SCARY COSTUME

Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?