Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin