Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

Admin smashed it 😂

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”