[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
You Might Also Like
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.