Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”