Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

Taco Bell, Exit 22

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

#dnd #ttrpg

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

if a staircase can spiral so can i.