Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

What in the hipster hell is going on here

This is not me but this is me

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.