[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
