[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
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I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Why? Just why? 😂
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.