[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
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People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
United Steaks of America
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.