[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
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“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Awesome parenting 😂
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened