Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

The sacred texts.

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

I have no passwords left in me

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks