Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.