Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.