Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

The Backseat Boys

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest