*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
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Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Florida man
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?