Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
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*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Dead sexy!!
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that