@jergarl

*takes ambien

Oh.

You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents.

Wife: Really?

Me:*already getting naked* I’m sure it will be fine.

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@TheCatWhisprer

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

@RoosterMustache

*i sneeze*

Atheist: bless u

Me: ha! i caught u

Atheist: no its just like, an expression

Me:*grabbing him by shoulders* u believe in god

@mattgallo123

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

@HaliPhacks

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

@KalvinMacleod

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

@NicestHippo

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

@torrami

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

@schnooozle

[james bond breaks into my evil lair]
bond : let me guess… you’ve been expecting me?

me [naked, eating an ice cream] : would you believe it, no

@Try2StopME

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!