A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents.
Me:*already getting naked* I’m sure it will be fine.
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Atheist: bless u
Me: ha! i caught u
Atheist: no its just like, an expression
Me:*grabbing him by shoulders* u believe in god
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
ME: I like your hair
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
[james bond breaks into my evil lair]
bond : let me guess… you’ve been expecting me?
me [naked, eating an ice cream] : would you believe it, no
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!