@jergarl

*takes ambien

Oh.

You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents.

Wife: Really?

Me:*already getting naked* I’m sure it will be fine.

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@GaryLineker

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

@Qckhd

Gets in shower

Washes hair

Thinks about a tweet

Forgets if washed hair

Washes hair

Gets out of shower

Forgets tweet

@invalaid

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

@Lazer_Cat_

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

@BlACk__ThRoaT

When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.

@VerifiedDrunk

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

@Glittery_Love

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

@TMZ

Reckless driving, pot allegations and cop visits, Justin Bieber is a bad wig away from being the next Amanda Bynes.