Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
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Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?