Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
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im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Lol
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
No, he would not have.