Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

tfw you realize …

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

You have been warned.

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente