*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
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You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.