*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
You Might Also Like
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.