Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point