Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.

But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

Breaking news:

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.