*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
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Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
new year update: losing everything but weight
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?