*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
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My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there