*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
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You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
omg leave her alone
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?