*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
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why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
when nothing goes right… go left
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
i’m still crying at this
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
channeling her this year
