> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
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amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
eggs benadryl
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.