> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
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People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Dolls on drugs
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
