*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
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“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
#NeverForget
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died