Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.