Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

quarantine day 3

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

Nose

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.