*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
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They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
