Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.