Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

🤣✨#caturday

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.