[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
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I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it