[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
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Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Cat.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer: