[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
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My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]