[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
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Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs