*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
You Might Also Like
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Selfie
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.