*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
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Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life