*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
You Might Also Like
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.