Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

you know what ruined my childhood? children

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.