Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.