*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
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It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me