*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
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A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Oh. My. God.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
If I ignore life will it go away?
a lot to unpack here
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Happy Star Wars day!
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up