*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
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{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips