Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too