Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

The sacred texts.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

You know…for fall…

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?