Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY