Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days

Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

😂

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781